*I think everyone should see this so that they can appreciate that these experiences can affect not only you, but the people around you. When I started writing my blog, it was three weeks in and I found it hard to recall how I felt at first, especially in week one. This insight from Lois gives a glimpse of the emotional rollercoaster that everyone was going through at the time. No matter how bad it seems, it can always get better.*
I wanted to share a few extracts from a diary that I was keeping at the time of Eds accident. I think it’s important that people realise that it’s ok to feel down when the shit hits the fan. I’ve realised now that no matter how dark it gets things will get better and it’s only from looking back that you realise how far you’ve come. It’s ok to be scared and it’s ok to feel bad, we certainly did..
Day 2 “To see my rock, my big protector lying strapped down to the bed with wires and tubes sticking out everywhere was terrifying. I had been told that each person reacts to trauma differently. For me, I stared blankly at a wall for most the time and tried to piece together what the hell was happening. It was only when I sat in the waiting room and thought about the ifs and buts that I broke down. I sobbed and sobbed but only for a short period of time as something inside of me told me I had to keep it together in front of Ed.”
I also remember in this same moment crying to Eds step mum saying “I want his babies!”. For anyone that knows me, knows that I’m not really a baby person so this must have really been a tough time! As you can see from Eds blog he’s a very strong character but we both agree that no matter how strong you are, low times exist for all. I know the feelings in this next extract were hard to deal with as I felt very alone, even though I had so much support around me.
Day 5 “Even now I can picture his face looking at me terrified. He’s always been such a positive, strong person and the vulnerability in his eyes is gutting. He’s so strong when other people are around but as soon as it is just the two of us he broke down. “I’m so so sorry Lois” “you can’t stay with me like this” I told him to shut it and not to get upset as we’re going to get through this”
And we are getting through this. Ok, the life plan is out of the window. But this experience has taught me, you don’t need a bloody plan! Maybe this will mean me and Ed turn into hippies, move to Fiji and buy a beach bar. That vulnerability in his eyes has disappeared and turned into fight and determination. No matter what happens now, we’re together and we’re smiling.